9.6.25 ~ Cracks in my Marriage

Good morning!

Engagement. Marriage. Honeymoon. The first years of your relationship. All is bliss. Suddenly your marriage experiences cracks. Frustration and disengagement replace romantic bliss. The marriage is crumbling, the future is uncertain. Suddenly your marriage experiences cracks. Frustration and disengagement replace romantic bliss. The marriage is crumbling, the future is uncertain (Deut. 24:1-4). But I did everything I could to put the marriage on good, solid ground (Deut. 24:5). Now, the beautiful vessel that I called "my marriage" has cracks in it. What should I do? "Calgon, take me away!"

When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken. (Deut. 24:5)

“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, when she has departed from his house, and goes and becomes another man’s wife, if the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her as his wife, “then her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance. (Deut. 24:1-4)

A mentor of mine once said, the cracks are good, they allow light to come in! It sounds great in theory, but...I still have to deal with the cracks. How do you deal with the cracks? Inquiring minds want to know :-)

In our memory we see the beautiful engagement period, the planning, the hopes, the dreams, all were fairytale gardens of delight. But now, boredom, anger and mistrust comes to replace the romance and affection of the past. But there is another deeper and truer perspective: The cracks are the beginning of the renovation of the marriage.

Renovation by definition consists of two phases: demolition and rebuilding. When something is being destroyed you can see it as destruction, or you can see it as creating the space for the new. The cracks in your marriage are what allow you to transform your marriage from a human temporary structure into a Divine and eternal structure. As we talked about in last night's zoom call, life is war and it's filled with distractions, but more importantly, your perspective on every detail of life is paramount to your success (Deut. 21:10-14; 22:6,7)!

Why do these cracks form? A major reason is that the problem of the 'cracked marriage' was that it was merely a human structure, based on human subjective love and romance. But despite the passion that was so intense, we marriage partners are super-duper temperamental,  our  feelings and passions fluctuate and are subject to change. In your mind and actions you say, "Last year I was crazy about you; today I am uninterested." A relationship founded on the pillars of human emotions alone is likely to develop cracks of all sorts.  Hence, I've shared with you dozens of times, over the years, "it's impossible for a man and a woman to be together, impossible. But, it's 100% successful when a husband and wife dwell together.

When the cracks appear, and they do, it is an opportunity to renovate your marriage. Now you are called to rebuild your relationship and rebuild it on a new foundation. Now it is time to recreate your relationship as a Divine institution.

It is not only that our hearts are drawn to each other, for that can change quite easily. Rather, we are both committed to the sacred and Divine institution of marriage, vaulting past our own egos and our own subjective emotions. We both realize that there is something Divine at stake in our relationship and we are committed to this sacred structure.  The very cracks in our relationship can now be redefined as the beginning of its renovation.

The fall feast season is coming rapidly! The time to rehearse the wedding feast of the Lamb. The preparation time gives us an opportunity to address the cracks in our vertical and horizontal relationships! Enjoy your Shabbat! It's a shadow of the future, blissful marriage to the Lamb.

Shabbat shalom!

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