10.19.25 ~ Who's Listening?

Good morning!

This past week we began the Torah afresh unveiling the first 1,600 years of the bible's history. It's filled with enrapturing tales that encapsulate the most profound mysteries and challenges of the human condition, including the most wonderfully challenging topic in the world: marriage.

A long time ago, in a land far away...God said, 

It's not good for a man to be alone. I will make him a helper against him/ezer kenegdo  (Gen. 2:18)

You might say to yourself, isn't the wife supposed to be the helper, not against him? Simply put, and a lesson most of us guys don't learn until it's too late: As his mirror (bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, Gen. 2:23) the woman becomes a "helper" for her husband by sometimes being against him. For the husband, in order for him to become the man God designed Him to be, he must have the courage to welcome the ideas and feelings of his spouse which may be "against" his own.

Some men, which in times past I resembled, cannot tolerate their wives disagreeing with them, and conversely, some women cannot handle another opinion. They grow angry and frustrated, exploding or imploding. What often transpires, as a result, is that the woman, or the man, in order to maintain a peaceful atmosphere in the home, remains silent. Or, to avoid confrontation, they just drift away from each other emotionally. Conversely, the arguments and fighting never cease. And this occurs mainly because the couple don't have enough tools of understanding in their tool bag to maximize the strengths of one another. 

The Torah is teaching us a different option. Each of us needs the help of our partner to be healed from our egos, insecurities, blind spots, and wounds. When a man and woman learn to genuinely embrace the beauties of his/her spouse, they can develop a true bond and reach the deepest part of their lives.

It is through our disagreements that we can become truly connected. When a husband can create space for the experience of his wife, including her fears, primal desires, wounds, and struggles, and on the flip side when a woman can do this for her husband, this is how and when they liberate each other from their loneliness. You really help me by the fact that you are so different from me, you stand "against me," yet you can create genuine space for my insanity and trauma. 

How do we strike this balance? Make sure you are looking at life through their window. It has been said, that men are very analytical and compartmentalized. Women, on the other hand, are more global and emotional in their thinking (there are exceptions :-). Regardless, diversity between couples is vital. It allows each of them to be real, authentic, and present fully; let every husband and wife learn what the world looks like through the other’s "window." But...and there is always a 'but'...in spite of the different perspectives, the level of implementation and action — there must be one path, one verdict, and one pattern of behavior. If not, chaos might reign and the home and family will suffer; and we're back to Genesis 1:2 again. 

Ironically, as the Apostle Paul states, this human relationship is supposed to mirror our relationship with God, the Creator (Eph. 5:25-33). Am I inferring that it wasn't good for God, the ultimate male figure, to be alone? You can mull that over a little bit :-)

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;  That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.  This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife sees that she reveres her husband.  (Eph. 5:25-33)

Enjoy the growing relationship together!

Shalom,

Alan

Shabbat morning's zoom call: Understanding our genealogy through Adam to Messiah or Am I really living out my heritage?