10.6.26 – Acquiring the Right Woman

Sukkot is over. The Fall Feasts are over, and so is our study of the first five books of the Bible. Every year, on the Sabbath after Sukkot, we begin a new cycle in Genesis. There are two thousand years of history in this one section, so it is hard to cover it all at once.

Marriage is often seen as a man "acquiring" a woman, as though she were property. To modern people, that sounds offensive—like she is just something to be bought. Is that really what happens under the chuppah, when the bride circles the groom seven times? Is he acquiring her like a pair of shoes? How do we make sense of this?

The answer, I believe, is in this week's parsha—the Torah's description of the original romance between Adam and his honey bunny, also known as Eve (Gen. 2).

The story starts in a decidedly unromantic way. God says, "It is not good for man to be alone, so I will make a companion alongside him" (Gen. 2:18). If you were God, what would you do next? Create Eve, right? But that is not what God does. Instead, He creates all the animals and brings them to Adam to name—like a big dating game. Hippo, flamingo, giraffe, one after another. Adam finds no companion among them (Gen. 2:19–20).

What was that all about? Finally, God creates his ezer kenegdo. He puts Adam to sleep, takes a side from him, builds it into a woman, and brings her to the man (Gen. 2:21–22). Then Adam says, "Finally, this time, bone from my bone, flesh from my flesh. I call her woman (ishah) because she was taken from man (ish)" (Gen. 2:23).

In the next verse, God speaks directly to us: "This is why a man will leave behind his mother and father and become one flesh with her" (Gen. 2:24). This is why a man gets married. "This is why" means because of what Adam said when he first saw Eve. Something about that declaration explains why men marry—and why they leave their parents to do so.

What was that mysterious declaration? If we understand it, we understand the drive to marry. If not for that, a man would never leave his mother and father. What do his parents have to do with this? And what does "acquisition" really mean?

The answer is simple. What do verses 23 and 24 have in common? Marriage, as Adam expressed it—bone from my bone, flesh from my flesh—and leaving mother and father. What is common between a man's relationship with his parents and with his wife? And how do both differ from his relationship with the animals?

The animals were never part of him. They were foreign, so they could never be a good mate.

Not so Eve. Eve came from him. She was a lost part of him. Adam sensed that she represented a piece of him that was lost. When God took from his side, He took the feminine part of man and built it into a separate being. The man senses the loss of his feminine side and wants to recapture it in marriage. Seeing Eve, he declares: This is it. She is the lost part of me. This time, bone from my bone, flesh from my flesh. I call her woman because she is from man. That name describes her essence. She is the lost part of me, taken from me—and that is why man gets married.

Otherwise, he never would. He would stay with his mother and father, because he was once one with them. Unities are compelling. I was once part of this unity. How can I leave? The only thing that compels him to leave is the chance to fully become himself by reuniting with the lost part of him—to recapture the union of masculine and feminine. Only that allows him to leave his parents.

We misunderstand acquisition. We think it means owning and controlling things. Sometimes, with things, it does. But the Torah speaks of acquisitions that have nothing to do with control or ownership. Torah itself is one. If Torah is an acquisition, do you own it? Control it? If anything, it controls you. It commands a lifestyle—yet you acquire it.

At this level, acquisition is about completion. A relationship with Torah completes you, so your obligation is to treasure it, appreciate it, and keep it safe.

A man acquires a woman, but he does not own her. She completes him. Because of that, he treasures her and keeps her safe. Maybe that is what acquisition really means: an attempt to complete ourselves. It does not always work. When you try to complete yourself by acquiring things, you fail. If I just have the next Lamborghini, I will feel okay. It does not work, so you need another car, another motorcycle. If I just get the next million, I will feel okay. It is a desperate attempt to complete yourself—but it never works, because you were never one with that thing. It was never part of you. So of course it cannot complete you.

That which truly completes you, you do not own or control. By entering the relationship, you acquire a missing part of yourself and make yourself at home. It has nothing to do with power—everything to do with appreciation.

They say history repeats itself, and those who do not learn it are doomed to repeat it. I want to be a good learner!

Shalom!
Alan

www.lightintorah.org